Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Lessons in Love from Writing Smut

When I wrote my first erotic novella How I Became A Swinger: A Love Story, I found myself falling in love with the female character. Not in an over-the-top way where I became obsessed. I'm sane, and I realized that she was a creation of my imagination. However, Stacia became someone I had to write so that she was fulfilled, so that she had the life she wanted.

What I noticed was that, in my mind, I'd conferred on her a certain innocence, not in the sense of simplicity, and certainly not in her sexual behavior, but in terms of allowing her to be herself and not condemning anything about her as she made her way in life.

People often say, "I'm not judging." But, what they are really saying is, "I've judged you, but I'm willing to overlook my judgement." As I look at how I was viewing Stacia as I wrote the book what I see is that there was no judgement, there was just observation of her life unfolding, and wishing her well. I want to call it a "grant of innocence." It didn't matter what she did (in the course of the three books in the series she did all kinds of things some would condemn), it was just a journey to observe.

I notice that in all my books (six now) the attitude toward the men, and perhaps especially, the women in the book is a grant of innocence. I have all kinds of things happening with my characters: fucking, sucking, ass fucking, rimming, bi-sexuality, multiple partners, gang bangs, nymphomania, etc. It strikes me as interesting that, as the creator of these characters and these worlds, I grant everyone innocence. And, the result of that is loving the characters.

I'm not exactly sure where this ramble is going (it's a blog... these are thoughts), but it seems to me that there's a lesson in here for me somewhere.

One quick real-life story. Several years ago I answered a swinger ad from a couple, met these two really nice people, and ended up engaging in a couple of MFM threesomes with them. (Then they moved away! DAMN!) Aside from the overall hotness of the sex, something profound struck me at the time. It was how this couple didn't judge each other (or me), or even seem to have any energy at all on anything other than both of them enjoying themselves. They were clearly in love, and I very quickly saw that my role in the threesome was to add to their pleasure, not to just get my rocks off. It was the freedom to be, without judgement on anyone's part, that was the best part of it all. I actually felt honored to be able to participate with them.

Again, there seems to be a life lesson in there somewhere. I also think it's interesting that in the expression of something as fundamental as sexuality there seems to be a desire to experience that freedom to be, that lack of judgement, that grant of innocence. What it feels like is love that is beyond the domains of attraction or relationship.

Anyway, I'd love to know your thoughts. It's an interesting philosophical (and maybe spiritual) exercise.

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